Not Every A**hole is a Narcissist

…but on the other hand, every narcissist is an asshole. Maybe not right away, that’s how they suck you in, but eventually the asshole in them can’t help but pop out.

Among other things, A Long Walk Home is a story about how narcissists can ruin the lives of others. It’s a subtle thing; a powerful manipulation of emotions the narcissist thrives on for survival. The narcissist feeds off the control they have over others, in a sense it’s what keeps them alive. Sometimes that control is kind and gentle, but it will always revert to abuse and manipulation. How the narcissist’s victim feels is not a concern, at least once they are back under control. Their only concern is that their own pain has been soothed. Their prey is just collateral damage. Whether you’re a spouse, a child, a sibling or just some dude at work doesn’t matter. What matters is that you have fed the narcissist’s insatiable appetite to be served.

Although it is generally accepted that there are two distinct and separate types of narcissism, each stemming from different childhood experiences, those of us who have been victimized by a narcissist realize a talented narcissist will exhibit both traits in pursuit of their satiation.

The grandiose narcissist was likely treated as something peculiarly special as a child, that they were superior and above the rules the rest of us live by. They’re domineering, insensitive and self-important adults.

The vulnerable narcissist generally suffered a childhood of neglect or abuse. As adults, they’re insecure and desperately searching for the approval of others. They never feel that they are ‘good enough,’ so they vacillate between feelings of superiority and inferiority, and their prey needs to adjust to those feelings at the flip of a switch or they feel attacked. In order for narcissism to thrive their prey must be empathetic to the narcissist’s plight. They’ll stay to help ‘fix’ the narcissist – which is exactly what the narcissist needs. It’s the succor that keeps them alive. The problem is, until they look deeply at themselves, the narcissist is unfixable, so the more they receive the more they demand.

Since they never developed the skills needed for introspection, a narcissist will never understand who they are. At the same time, the narcissist’s prey may never understand that their own upbringing has prepared them to be prey. In fact, that’s exactly who the narcissist attaches themselves to. It’s a vicious cycle until the prey learns enough about themselves to step off the hamster wheel of abuse and manipulation.

Narcissism has a deep and troubling effect on other people, and it can take a lifetime of work to unravel the brain connections that make people victims of the narcissist’s struggle to survive in a world they aren’t cut out for. The first step is recognizing that even though we may love a narcissist, disconnecting is the only way to keep from drowning while trying to save them. On the other hand, the regular everyday asshole is just someone we need to tolerate – even when we’re the asshole.